There’s a lot that I don’t know. I don’t know if California is where I’m supposed to be for the rest of my life. I don’t know what I want to do for a living. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married or have a family. I couldn’t even tell you what I’ll be doing tomorrow.
So instead of overwhelming myself with the things I don’t know, I decided to focus today on the things that I do.
I know that every time I find a new hiking trail in Brentwood or Santa Monica or LA, I’m completely overwhelmed by the beauty—I’m always surprised by what I see. What I imagine in my head or photos I see online; nothing could ever replace the feeling of seeing it in person.
I know that when I’m driving in Hollywood and come up to Fairfax and see the Hollywood sign out of the corner of my eye, my breath gets caught in the back of my throat and my heart skips a beat. I’ve almost lived here a year and that sign still makes me feel this giddiness that brings a smile to my face.
I know that driving to California was, ironically, the surest decision I had made—probably, ever. Which probably sounds crazy. But it’s true. There were no doubts in my mind about moving to California until I got to San Diego and panic started to set in.
I, also, know that I’m encouraged and inspired by the people around me. I’m motivated, I’m loved. I know that I depend way too much on the people that surround me but that I’m also learning every day on how to depend on myself.
So, yes. There is a lot that I don’t know; a lot that I don’t understand. But I’m learning. Every day here I’m learning something new, meeting someone I never knew yesterday or seeing a place I could only imagine in photographs. Before moving to California I defined happiness as an emotion; something you could feel.
Today? Today I see happiness in the sunset over Malibu off the Santa Monica shore. I taste happiness in the fresh, sweet wine shared with friends at the family-owned vineyard in Malibu. I finally feel happiness, and I hadn’t really been able to say that before I moved here.
Is California forever? I have absolutely no idea. But I know that right now it makes me feel free. And it makes me smile. And I think that’s all that matters in this moment. So right now, California is exactly where I need and want to be. This is who I am. California brings out the adventure and fear and inspiration and love in me. This is who I am.
And that is what I know.
