Feel My Pulse.

So you say this is human / your heartbeat versus mine / I'm in chains 'cause I'm choosing / showing love or living life. / I shouldn't have to leave where I stand / I shouldn't have to change who I am / To count as human. / Feel my pulse / With your hand on my heart / You know it beats just as hard as yours / Feel my pulse / Feel my pulse / Can't you see that I'm scarred / I'm just the same as you are so just / Feel my pulse / I wish I could reach them / And strip away what separates / It's the same air we're breathing / The same tears run down our face / So I don't have to leave where I stand / And I don't have to change who I am / To count as a human / Feel my pulse / With your hand on my heart / You know it beats just as hard as yours / Feel my pulse / Feel my pulse / Can't you see that I'm scarred / I'm just the same as you are so just / Feel my pulse

My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride this week.

It's resulted in a lot of crying. A lot of being quiet. A lot of secluding myself. A lot of Disney movies to take my mind off of things. And a lot, a lot, of reading the stories about the lives lost last weekend.

I have felt so much anger. Like, red rage. 

And ironically, I'm mad at myself for that. 

I am not that girl. I'm the girl who loves the EDM scene because of the PLUR (Peace, Love, Unity, Respect) Movement. I'm the girl who loves life, and has always felt that everyone has good in them and they just need someone to recognize it. I'm the girl who doesn't give up (on things or on people). I'm the girl who always has hope and faith on her side, and it has never failed her.

And this week I've looked in the mirror and seen a girl who is tired. Tired of crying, tired of people dying, tired of the world being so screwed up. 

I know, I know. We're supposed to be strong. We're supposed to stand united together. The community is supposed to join hands and not let this knock us. But I don't think I realized how hard that is...how absolutely, completely difficult that idea is to me right now.

I wanted to go to Orlando today. I had it all planned out. I was going to go to the memorial. I was going to try to meet up with friends I haven't seen in far too long. I was going to stand tall with the city I called home for four years.

But I couldn't. I couldn't go to the memorial, because it's right around the corner from Pulse and I don't think I'm ready to see it again. I couldn't meet up with friends, because there has been so much death over the last week and I wouldn't even know what to say to them besides, "I love you and I'm so glad you weren't in there when the attack started, and I'm sorry that we lost people." I couldn't stand tall with the city because I don't feel very tall this week.

I still feel small.

I still feel fear.

I still feel despair.

I still feel anger.

I still feel gut-wrenching nausea. 

I'm still having trouble sleeping.

I'm going to try. I'm going to try to walk with a smile and mean it. I'm going to try to stand tall and be fearless. I'm going to try to be strong for the people and city I love. I'm going to try not to blame myself for the anger that haunts me, or the sadness that overwhelms me in random moments. I'm going to allow myself to feel. Because I think that might be how we heal eventually, by allowing ourselves to wholeheartedly feel.