Moving to California meant so much to me: glamour, red carpets, and I think, ultimately, I hoped I would find myself.
I tried to fight it. There were some cool moments--like talking with various producers, the Emmy awards, various interviews, admiring hair and make-up teams come in to make my boss look fabulous. But in the end? In the end I only felt exhausted--which led to me feeling bitter, angry, annoyed and set-back.
There are so many emotions all rolled into this, but all I can feel lately is that I want to cry.
I want to cry because this was what I wanted! I wanted to be in the middle of everything; I wanted everything to feel like it was working. And I pushed and forced and made it fit in this box until my box broke and everything fell apart.
And now I feel like this kid:
[I know, I know; this is the new "image" of the government shut down, so my usage for it probably seems way more pathetic. But still.]
I'm standing at the gate of Hollywood, and it's closed.
Not because this was "my only chance". There's a part of my heart that realizes there are a gazillion more chances out there. But there's another part of my heart that realizes the inevitable I never really thought I'd announce:
I hate Hollywood.
I hate everything about it.
It's fake, it's overrated, it's expensive, it's trashy, it's dirty, it's gross.
I love where I live; but I hate the city in which I want to work and produce and interact with people.
So now here I am at this brick wall, once again.
Where do I go from here?
I fought for this "dream" I thought I had, but I'm beginning to realize I never really fully understood this dream until I came and explored it for myself. And maybe that's a good thing? Maybe we need to do that at some point in our lives. I know twenty years from now I'd always be wondering what could have been.
But my heart still feels sad.
Because ultimately, I think I knew who I was all along and Hollywood only made me forget that. I'm sad because I feel established here. I'm sad because I don't know where to go or what path I'm supposed to take. California was always so clear; so certain. And now? Now I feel like I'm standing in a corner surrounded by fog, and I have no idea who I'm supposed to be or where I'm supposed to go.
